BursonCounseling.com

Do you ever feel like when the holidays come around, all kids are saying is “gimmie, gimmie, gimmie?” Their gift lists become endless and you feel overwhelmed. Money is tight, but you don’t want to let your kids down. You might feel the only way they will have a good Christmas or Hanukah is the amount of gifts they get. Well maybe it’s time to change how you do things over the holidays, so you don’t feel so stressed. Whatever happened to the times when there was just one gift given, instead of 10? One thing you can do when your kids are making their “huge” list is to ask them to name the one gift they really would like most. Allow yourself to be okay sizing down and not feel guilty. Think about having your family “adopt an angel”, so they can see the joy of giving to someone in need. Changing your holiday tradition might also help. Instead of focusing on “what is Santa going to bring me”, work with your kids on a fun tradition you can all do together. For example, have a family night around that time and do something fun that doesn’t cost money. Some examples include playing a board game, cooking together, making a craft….show your kids the holidays don’t have to be so focused on how many gifts they will get, but on the time you spend together. Another thought is to have your kids pick a family member to “be an elf” for. That means they will do kind acts for this person. Put all of the family names in a hat and have everyone draw a person. Then have them complete two nice tasks per day for that person (such as a chore). So overall, change your approach to the holidays. Instead of focusing on buying a ton of gifts, make it more about family time. Your kids might remember a gift for a while, but the family memory will never be forgotten!

Does this sound like you….”I can do this”, I thought as the roller coaster climbed higher and higher up the first hill. I even felt brave enough to hold my arms up in the air. “Who needs to hold on?” I asked myself. Then the roller coaster seemed to stop in midair just before careening down the other side at what seemed like 100 miles an hour. Now I knew the answer to the question, “Who needs to hold on?” “I do!”

I held on for my life not knowing whether to cry or laugh. The bumps, the turns, the twists sending me upside down. It was terrifying! It was thrilling! When it was all over, I raced back into line so I could go through the same exhilarating experience again.

Raising children is much like riding a roller coaster-thrilling, terrifying, and full of ups and downs. The ride gets really interesting during the child’s adolescent years.

Some bumps and unexpected turns are bound to occur, but the ride doesn’t have to be a sheer vertical drop. You can do a lot to make you children’s transition from childhood to adulthood a more serene, often enjoyable, passage for your family. And it may be comforting to know that you are certainly not the only family on the ride.

In order for a child to grow into that responsible, caring, and mature adult, he or she needs to know where they can gain resources, advantages, and qualities to successfully maneuver those ups and downs which will come their way.

Our children can receive these assets if they are supported, cared for, and taught to be self-sufficient. We, as adults, need to model the social and emotional resources that will provide a sense of security young people crave. The more assets a young person has, the better equipped he or she is to make wise choices, handle the pressures of daily living, and find meaning and fulfillment in life.

You can use these assets to help you choose the ways you want to intentionally build the strengths of your child. Try using this checklist as a start or create your own.

Today I will:

Ask how my child is doing

Really listen to my child

Act responsibly

Be honest with my spouse, kids, friends, neighbors-even salespeople

Offer my child opportunities to contribute to the family and to others

Notice what’s happening in my neighborhood

Ask what my child learned, liked, and didn’t like in school

Tell my child about my day

Keep track of what my child is doing

Provide a quiet place for homework

Know when to turn off the TV

Give my child ways to grow in body, mind, and spirit

Tell my child one thing I love or appreciate about her or him

Have you ever had one of those days where EVERYTHING seems to go wrong? You feel as though you are dismissed in every possible way and disconnected from the world? You make effort to connect with others, such as places requiring customer service, and it ends up being a string of disappointment and empty promises. Your waiter at lunch doesn’t bring the right food, you call a company wanting an unnecessary payment and get stuck with an automated system, or someone promises to call you back with an answer and doesn’t. I had a day like this not too long ago where I was literally on the phone for 3 hours dealing with “customer service professionals”. After I got off the phone, feeling that nothing was resolved and I’m still back at square one, I sat and pondered. Of course anyone would feel frustrated, but what is really behind this intense frustration? The truth lies in control, or lack thereof. When we depend on others to take care of things and it doesn’t happen, we feel helpless and out of control because we know if it was up to us, our problem would be fixed or dealt with in a timely manner. So how do we handle this lack of control? The first step is to recognize that the lack of control in a situation is going to be a part of life. Even though we’re hit with a jumbled set of emotions related to this, we need to truly feel the emotion. Feel the frustration and get it out. Talk to someone about your experience, punch a pillow, scream out loud, or write in your journal. After we feel the intense emotion and realize “we can’t change the situation”, then have that reality set in for a few moments. The truth is that once we calm down, we begin to realize it WILL be okay. This situation will be dealt with and handled, even if it’s not at our own pace. Once we accept the reality that we are not in control of when it will get better, we can begin to let it go. One way to let it go is to write down all your negative thoughts about the situation, and then rip it up and throw it in the trash, truly “letting go”. This process can help us feel in control of our emotions. Even if we can’t control the situation, we can control how we feel about it. So next time you are slighted in the world, try feeling the feeling, getting through it and letting it go. Take the control back for your life!

Where Do I Start?
Parents are often the first to recognize when their child has an emotional or behavioral problem. But even if it’s your child’s teacher who informs you of a potential challenge, when working with your child’s emotional pain, your approach is the key. Start by gently engaging your child in a dialogue about his or her feelings. When listening to your child, try to rephrase then repeat back what he or she is saying. Avoid giving advice or criticizing, but rather focus on feelings with an empathetic tone. You might try saying, “It sounds like you feel angry because _____.” Sometimes kids simply need to feel heard. When you allow your child to freely express his or her thoughts and provide a non-judgmental attitude, he or she will feel encouraged to open up.

Then What Do I Do?
Once your child opens up you can help identify the problem and work towards finding a solution, but always let your child take the lead in problem solving. When brainstorming for a solution, try writing it down. When your child is able to visually see it on paper, the discovery towards a solution will become more real to him or her. To find the most appropriate solution, offer to role-play the problem and possible solution for each choice. Discuss the consequences associated with every choice. This mode of self-discovery will help your child feel in control of the problem, the solution and his or her own emotional state.

Summer is just around the corner and your children are ready. This is a very exciting time for all school aged kids, although it can be very overwhelming for parents. When your children are in school, life seems to be a bit easier. During the year your children have structure. They get up in the morning, go to school and participate in after school activities. What do you do in the summertime when structure seems to be out the window? The good news is you and your family can still have structure. If needed, come up with a daily plan for your kids. Include time to play, practice and explore. Of course allow your children some free play time to hang out with friends. Encourage them to practice their reading and math skills. Since practice of these skills is greatly needed in the summer, try talking to your child’s teacher to ask for a list of books to read and math flashcards/activities. You can even make this a family activity by making a game out it. In order to get the most out of your summer sit down at a family meeting and “explore”. Come up with a family plan for “fun” time. On this page, brainstorm different activities your family can participate in for fun. Make it interesting and write down ideas of activities that don’t require spending a lot of money. Then place all your ideas into a jar and each week pull an idea out of the jar. This encourages creativity and teamwork.

During my years as an elementary school counselor, I saw several situations including children having difficulty separating from their parents. On one instance, a family came to my office where the child did not want to go to class. This was a pattern seen all year long. The little kindergarten student was terrified to leave mom. I told mom the best thing for us to do is for you all to leave and I will take care of him. My idea was to calm him down, let him stay in my office for a bit and then go back to class. (Once he was in class, all was usually well…it was just that first separation from mom that was the most difficult). I was surprised that mom began to tell me, “I have anxiety and I know it’s hereditary. I am just going to home school him next year”. The dad stood completely silent and little boy jumped into mom’s arms as being clenched together as one. I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. This child’s “anxiety” was completely environmental and caused by mom. Mom had already made the decision that “my son will have anxiety” at the young age of 5. As I began to think about this young boy’s future, I felt sad for him. Just because mom had anxiety, doesn’t mean her son has to.

Separation anxiety is definitely a concern for children, but there are strategies to use in order to help your child. The first thing to do is talk about your child’s feelings. Allow your child to express why they feel “anxious”. Reassure them that you will be there to pick them up. You can even provide them with a picture of the two of you to look at when they start to feel sad. Try to focus on the positive. After you’ve discussed your child’s feelings, talk about happy memories, thoughts or fun things to look forward to. The last step is to go ahead and make the separation. Even though as a parent this is incredibly hard to do, it is best to go ahead and leave your child (after they are reassured). The more you stay and “coddle” your child, the harder it will be for them. After time, your child’s anxiety will lessen and they will begin to realize “mom will come back for me and I will be okay”.

As parents, you’re expected to be these charming individuals with tons of patience similar to Greg and Marsha Brady. Your little angel used to look at you with those big eyes and anything you said or did was perfect. Wow, life has surely changed and this isn’t the Brady Bunch. Back in the real world, parents of teenagers deal with gruesome comments such as “That’s not fair” or “I hate you”, which turns into a dreadful argument. What do you do when you feel as though you’ve lost the connection with your teenager? You are frustrated because you used to be close, but notice your communication is becoming less and less. Even when you try to talk they have no interest. As a parent, this can be extremely difficult. You might wonder “What did I do wrong”? The truth is that your teen is going through several changes and stressful times including peer pressure, friendship drama, hormone changes, relationship difficulties and on a constant journey of self discovery.

After several years of working with teenagers, I have discovered many things. First of all, try to enter their world in any way possible. Sit down and watch their favorite television show together, listen to their favorite music together, ask them about their life including friendships, internet chats/instant messaging, phone calls and telephone texting. Once you try to enter their world, they might be more open to including you in it.

When it comes to their choices, just remember the more you “freak” out about something your teen does, the more likely they are to do what you don’t like. Your teenager is going to find a way to express themselves whether you like it or not, so why not try to be part of the expression. Encourage your teenager to be who they are going to be and help them realize you will support them. Don’t worry about what “other parents will think” about your teen, just accept them for who they are and don’t’ try to change them. I’m not saying to allow your child to make choices that are illegal, but offer to talk with them about their choices in a calm tone. Help them decide on the right choice by talking with them about it instead of “telling” them what to do. Let them feel as though they truly have a say in their life.

What do you do when your child is emotionally hurting? You might notice low self-esteem, lack of motivation, depression, ADHD, anxiety, behavior problems at school/home, trouble making friends, or dealing with divorce to name a few. As a parent you see a concern, but might feel unequipped to help your child through these particular hurdles. You might have even thought to seek the help of a professional counselor but are unsure of who to turn to. How do you find the right type of counselor who provides a safe environment for your child or teen?

Play Therapy is the most appropriate form of treatment for children who have difficulties coping with these life situations. Play Therapy is to children what counseling is to adults. Due to a child’s limited cognitive level, it is unrealistic to expect a child to walk into a counselor’s office and actively participate in “talk” therapy. Through Play Therapy, your child will learn the tools to help foster appropriate emotional expression needed to work through their current life struggles.

Children communicate their thoughts and feelings more naturally during play than through verbal communication. As children play, the therapist begins to notice themes or patterns that begin to show what the child is internally experiencing. Overtime, the therapist helps your child begin to make meaning out of their play, which leads to an improvement in their emotional or behavioral difficulties.

When choosing a Play Therapist, it is important to make sure they have the appropriate training by being licensed as a Registered Play Therapist (RPT). Many counselors might say they do “play therapy” but are not an actual Play Therapist.

For any questions please email Jackie Burson at jackie@bursoncounseling.com

Jackie Burson, MS, NCC, LPC, RPT
Licensed Professional Counselor
Registered Play Therapist

Over the years, I’ve worked with several clients who struggle with their perception of themselves. Many are in therapy to retrain their brain to think in a more positive manner. We spend a large amount of time using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help reframe faulty negative thinking. When it comes to how you feel about yourself, self-esteem has the three “C” components: Competence, Connectedness and Confidence. When we break these down even further, most people feel competent. This boils down to the areas in your life where you experience success. This can be your school or work performance or a content feeling of something you feel you are good at. Most people feel as though they have connectedness, which means having a support system and connection with people in your life. We all must have a core group of people we can rely on when we need help and support. Who can you count on? The one area of self-esteem and self worth where people struggle the most is confidence. This directly relates to your level of self-esteem. In order to raise your confidence, which ultimately relates to how you feel about yourself, you must start small. Look at one area of your life, and ask yourself “what are some things I do well”? For example, think about home. Are you successful at cooking, sewing, paying the bills, mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, or helping your child with their homework? Once you find a specific area in your life where you feel somewhat successful, then build on it. When you start to think negatively about yourself, remind yourself of what you can “do well”. This positive reinforcement of successful areas in your life will sometimes lessen the negative thinking and feeling of “I don’t have confidence in myself”. Once you realize one way you are confident in yourself and your abilities, tackle another area, maybe work. Over time, you will begin to see your self-esteem rising because you have spent time reminding yourself about all the wonderful things you are confident in and capable of.

Some ideas for increasing your self-esteem and keeping track of your accomplishments and positive comments:

1. Get a journal and write down one daily positive comment about yourself. Then read all the positive comments each week.
2. Decorate a shoe box. Put a hole in the top and drop “positive comments/statements/accomplishments” about yourself into it. When you are having a rough day, pull a few out and read them to yourself
3. Tape or video record yourself talking about you in positive manner. If you feel comfortable you can ask family members or friends to comment about what they like about you. Make an audio CD out of it and keep it in your car for those days you need some positive reinforcement.
4. Celebrate You Day! Have an “All About Me” Day. Pamper yourself with your favorite activities, maybe a manicure, pedicure, facial, massage or shopping. Enjoy being you and celebrate your positive attitude.

The majority of society wants to lose weight. Some people are successful while others struggle their whole lives to get weight off. Our minds are filled with so many diet options to choose from. For those who are severely obese, weight loss surgeries have become a possible and popular solution, too. The bottom line is that people have difficulty losing weight and keeping it off. Possibly everyone you talk to has a different approach to weight loss. You might find yourself thinking, “do I try low-fat, low carb, or low calorie?” If you’ve tried countless approaches to weight loss and have a lot of weight to lose, you might be asking yourself “Is weight loss surgery the right answer for me?” These questions take serious thought on your part and are often difficult to answer. The good news is counseling can help. In order to follow through with successful weight loss, it is essential to look at the emotional component behind the reason you eat. Bottom line: overeating can be an addiction. If you find yourself unable to follow a diet or lifestyle change for a long period of time, you probably need some help figuring out why you overeat. As a counselor and person who struggles with my own weight loss, I help clients look at their previous eating patterns. We will look at when the overeating began and what it was in response to. Most people overeat for a reason. It is important to try and pinpoint why you are eating. Is it because you are hungry, stressed, bored, angry, sad or happy? Usually people who overeat are eating for a release. Next time you find yourself indulging in food that you know you do not need, try waiting five seconds before putting it in your mouth and asking yourself “why am I eating this?” This will help you become more aware of the reasons you eat. If at all possible, keep a journal of your feelings related to eating times. The first step is being aware of the reasons you eat. Once you are aware of the reasons you overeat, it is important to deal with these emotional issues to facilitate change.